God, coming back here to Vegas I now realize how much of an outcast I truely am. I don't belong here... or anywhere at that matter. My whole life has been nothing more then a dream. A stupid mind-twisting, never ending, glorious dream. My true friends aren't a dream though... and I have proof of that past time when I was with them. I came to know my surroundings in Florida by walking... with or without music, I'm now here and I still walk. Only now is different. When I went walking in my neighborhood in Fla people weren't suprised to see me... whether I was on the road, the sidewalk, or down by the lake; I even met a lot of people by walking so much. But here I walk... I'm dead, I am mearly a spirit that only one person can see, I'm ignored. Though when I'm not ignored I am stared at as if I shouldn't be here... almost as if I have no right to walk, breathe, or to even live.

I feel like such a freak. I walk to gather my mind, and to sum up my thoughts, but I'm distracted by those around me. Everyone talking and hanging out with friends, having fun and making the most of life... and I silently walk by, the tears collecting heavily at the bottoms of my eyes. I feel almost like I don't even have Donovan any more, almost like I was parted from him in a dark forest... and I can only hear him by thought of his voice. I fear it was mt fault that we have grown apart so much since I've been back, and feel I should kill myself for the pain that's been caused mearly by my memory. But I hold strong, and I live my meaningless life.

"Sleep my friend and you will see, the dream is my reality." <~ Metallica's
'Sanitarium.' The song that reminds me even more of my past life... how much fun I had there, with my friends... NO, my family. I felt like I belonged, and the feeling proved itself to be. I DID belong there, I was no outcast... and life was fun for the most part. But I know I had to leave. I did not want to be the reason of his death, so I refused to speak of my refusel to leave. Even now I still don't speak of it... I only type. My face holding no expression, my mind containing no thoughts, and the only thing you hear from my direction is my fingers hitting the keybored as the words and emotions flow mindlessly through them.

Here I feel dead, but know I am not. No one knows truely of my emotions about this. Not even by reading this. By this you know the words that have come from the tips of my fingers. If you listened hard enough you might softly hear my silent weeping. I doubt it though. Only one has... no one else ever will. Only you my friend know of the truth my soul hides. Those many long hours we spent on the phone speaking of nothing, only listening to one another cry. You know me so well, and I miss you so much. I miss those "conversations" we had. And I miss how we knew so well, without anyone ever saying a word. Only you my friend do I truely love. (only you my friend have ever truely known me and hear me cry honest tears)

and now my friend, for you I cry..... for you I cry
» MidnightMonkey on 2004-08-27 01:26:58

awww, so sad! so soo sad. I kno how you feel; ive bin there b4 a few times
» dkzMonkey on 2004-08-28 01:45:11

Hey
Look, you belong, you have to make a way in, look at it aituation, and then make a plan, you can't sit wondering and thinking all the time, I did, but hey, I'm getting better, my last thought was a month ago,kickass. And hey, look at it this way, we got power, but that day, because everyone was waiting, they left a candle, and someones house, that got power, burned to the ground, and then a few days ago, I was online, when my mom came in telling me to get off, a house burned down, no idea if someone was in it, but my actions might have killed someone, but it happens, and if that did happen, I fell terrible, but you can't dwell on the 'if' and 'and' and 'why'. It's to easy. Nothing good for you is ever east. Cadet Danilowski.
» Stratocaster90 on 2004-08-28 09:10:03

don't worry
High skool has been like moving to. im ignored my many ppl or stared at like why the hell are u here? i don't fit in. But im willing to give this new place a chance. I kno moving to a completely different state is much harder. Just give it a chance.
» Midnight on 2004-09-01 03:42:42

wow
we never truly know our selfs untell we are taken frome the once we truly love i understand how you feel you may not think so but i do know how you feel, i know what your going throw i whent throw it to. leaving cali took a lot from me and i had to leave some one i hoped to spend the rest of my life wit, but yea i know how you feel and i know somewhat of what your going throw, like i sead you never now your self untell your lost.
» hatchetwarrior on 2004-09-02 04:51:42

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